I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
