I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
