I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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