I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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