I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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