I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
