His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
