if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
someone owes me an orgasm
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
