someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
