Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
