I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
