My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
