i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
