I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
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He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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