my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
