She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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