I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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