dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
