The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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