Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
