Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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