I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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