If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
