dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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