Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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