I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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