Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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