You just made me feel so damn special
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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