then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
