there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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