There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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