I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
