I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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