I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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