me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
