dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
