# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
