I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
