oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
