Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
