Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
