in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
