saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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