so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
