my phone needs a breathalizer
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
