So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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