Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
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Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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