Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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