Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
