The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
