did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
