oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
