i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
