never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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