3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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