I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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