Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
