i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
