Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
